Important Reminders

After living in a place for as long as we have now lived in Superior it becomes a bit difficult to remember that the rest of the world looks quite different. I don't mean different
in the sense that
I forget that we have mountains and others do not.
What I am referring to is the way life looks "spiritually" at my back doorstep and throughout the West versus the rest of America.

I grew up in the South. I suppose Kentucky is not the deep south, but spiritually it is still tightly buckled into the Bible Belt of our country. There is a church on every corner and the rarest find is someone who does not attend the local church on a regular basis. Are all these people believers? That is the million dollar question. "Church" is culture. And to some, their faith goes beyond the Sunday morning, Sunday night and Wednesday night service, but to many, true transformation has not come into their lives because it has been so easy just to "do church" and get by.

That is not a slam on Southerners. I'm talking about my roots. I love where I come from and the world in which I was raised. But it is not reality. The South is not anything like the rest of the world. Food is different. Hospitality is different. Church is different. Faith is different. Spirituality is different. Life is different.

Last week we had a group visit us from Georgia. Now that is the deep South!! And after their few days with us I was reminded once again of the drastic difference of the place in which I live. We are told that 90% of Northern Colorado is unchurched. It's not that they are "believers" that choose to spend their Sunday's wearing sandals, eating trail mix and worshipping our God under some aspen tree way up in the mountains instead of attending the local church. I mean 90% of the people at my back doorstep do not believe in Jesus Christ. Are they spiritual? Absolutely! They are happy to take a little Hinduism and a little Buddhism, a little New Age, a little "me-ism" and bits and pieces of their own deep ponderings to create their own "truth" in which to live and believe. But to follow Jesus Christ - now that is too ludicrious to accept. To many, God's grace is too easy. The stories of the Bible are too ridiculous. And to accept Jesus as THE ONLY Truth is almost a sign of weakness - giving up to what their own mind can not comprehend.

So what does all of this mean to me? First of all, I must say that I LOVE where I live. I love the people that I meet every day. From someone who has lived within 2 extremes of faith societies, I must admit that I would choose to live with the "lost" every time. Now that might sound crazy to you. It feels a little bit strange to even say. But there is a realness here that I have never encountered anywhere else. When you sit across the table from someone at Starbucks there is no fascade. They respect me for who I am and what I believe. And they are an open book as to who they are and what their life is all about. There are no guessing games. There are no fake smiles. There are no expectations that they feel they have to live up to because of tradition and culture. They are real.

And in their realness they are seeking. They are seeking fulfillment and peace and answers to difficult life questions. They run around in circles searching for spiritual fulfillment and wondering why life continues to fail to work. Many are highly intelligent - thinkers, scientists. They have no background in the Christian faith and no necessity felt to go there. Some desire to know more about this Jesus that we follow. Some do not.

This is the great challenge. This is why we stay. This is why we do Cool River Church. This is why we invite friends into our home. This is why we accept the struggle. This is why we live miles away from our family. This is the life and the place that God has called us. I wouldn't have it any other way.

I long for the day that Superior, Colorado, becomes a transformed place full of transformed lives and families living for Jesus Christ. Will that day ever come? I have to believe that it will. But who knows what God has up his sleeve and in store for this place. Still, I will continue to love it no matter what. I am at home here. Though memories and thoughts of my Southern home warm my heart, I am at home. Thank you, God, for your gentle reminders. Thank you for preparing me in such a way throughout this journey that I can love this place. Thank you for the relationships that you have allowed me while here. Thanks for it all.

My back doorstep sits in an American town of 14,000 people and there is not one standing church building of any faith. The rarest find is anyone who attends church on a regular basis. But God is here. And God is never leaving Superior, Colorado. He's up to something. You just wait and see. And I hope that I am home to see it happen.

Simple Complexity

Today was a day of extremes. After dinner tonight Kevin and I took the girls for a walk around Interlocken (the tech center near us). We happened upon a beautiful tennis court and softball field and decided to take a closer look. The night was perfect - probably 68 degrees or so, still and quiet. It was the kind of night that you wish would never come to an end.

As we got closer to the tennis courts we noticed that there were old tennis balls everywhere. Very quickly Emma, Claire and Olivia, found themselves in a kid's paradise. There were balls and space to run and play and a mom and dad to chase every ball that they attempted to toss our way. We played in those tennis courts for at least a half an hour, just running and throwing balls and giggling with our girls. An old worn out tennis ball became a great treasure for each of them as we left.

After a few more minutes of running the bases of the softball field and taking a plunge into the water sprinklers, we started back to the van. I was amazed at how every clover and pine cone along the way back became a treasure worth smelling and touching and savoring. I love how children are such experts at making the often unnoticed as exciting as Disneyland or a birthday party.

Soaked, with flowers in their hair, pine cones in their pockets and old worn out tennis balls in their hands, the girls climbed back into their carseats. What started out as a walk with the sole purpose of getting them tired and ready to go to sleep, turned into a grand adventure. Simplicity. . .

-------------------------------------------------------
Rewinding my day back to this morning. . .

I have this acquaintance. He is brilliant. He's far too brilliant for me. I have always kept my distance because I am far from brilliant. My thinking and my understanding of God is very simple - almost childlike. Most days I am thrilled to have a childlike faith in God. It has served me well. It has allowed me to accept many things about Him that seem ridiculous to the "brilliant."

Now don't get me wrong, I like to think that I understand a bit about God. My understanding comes from relationship and experience, though - not from facts and statistics and things that must be "proven." But today I found myself wishing for more answers to give. It was SO frustrating! It was far from simple - hugely complex.

You see, I have been concerned for and praying for my brilliant acquaintance for quite some time. Yet, I have always kept my distance for quite a few reasons. But today (thanks a lot, God) I had to speak up. Today the random conversation that I found myself a part of hit my heart in a way that I simply knew that God was prompting me to open my mouth.

I will spare the details. Let's just say that all I wanted to do was make one statement very clear to him. His generalization of Christians versus those of other faiths was completley wrong, and I wanted to lovingly let him know that all Christians are not the same. I wanted him to know that I would obey God in the same way as the man from another faith, but for different reasons. I hoped to then walk away and pat myself on the back for speaking what God wanted me to speak. But it did not happen quite that way.

After about 15 minutes of conversation I "learned" that the grass is God and the trees are God and that he is God and that God is Life. I "learned" that God is a woman and that to believe the stories of the Bible 100% makes me disillusioned. Of course, I did my share of debating back and forth. I did not leave the conversation feeling defeated. I did leave the conversation mad - MAD at Satan for feeding lies to the vulnerable - MAD at myself for not having better answers to fire back - MAD for even wanting to fire back at all. And deeply and undeniably saddened for my brilliant acquaintance - Sad that there are so many more like him.

You see, I'm not sure why God chooses to set some people on a certain path and others on another drastically different path. I'm not sure why I have a simple faith and others are too complex to even declare faith. I'm not sure why I can sense God's promptings and "hear" his voice (sometimes) and others are deaf. I'm not sure why others question more and I can so easily accept.

I am sure that many would agree with my brilliant acquaintance in saying that I am disillusioned. That's fine. I really don't mind that someone might think that of me. My final thought on today as it comes to an end. . .at least I can lay down tonight in peace. For as simple as my mind might be, at least it can find rest.

I don't have all the answers, nor do I want them. But I do have a peace that transcends everything that life throws my way. God is my creator. God is my Father. God is my friend. He is not a blade of grass that I can mow down or an ant that I might squish. He is a perfect being that loves me and leads me and allows me the experience of faith and love and security and eternal life. He, through Jesus, is the ONLY way to heaven. He is the one who pursues and prompts. And I pray that he will continue to do that with my brilliant acquaintance.

Father's Day

I am really bad about sending cards and gifts for holidays. The only holiday that I seem to be able to do well with is Christmas and that is because the stores and television start reminding us to begin shopping in October. So once again, today, another holiday has come that I have missed.

I don't do this intentionally. I'm simply my mother's daughter.haha From her I received the gene of procrastination. The difference is that somehow Mom eventually pulls off whatever she plans to do at just the last minute, and she does it in such a way that it looks like she has been planning for months. I have not perfected this yet.

So to my dad. . .please know that I love you very much! And know that you have been thought of today and every other day more than you know - card in the mail or no card. If I were not so far away I would run to Cracker Barrel and buy you a gift certificate or to Walmart and buy a container of worms so you could go fishing in the morning.haha But I doubt those gifts would mean very much more than the reassurance that you were not forgotten.

Instead, I will take time to write. I hope that you know how very lucky I consider myself to be your daughter. Today at church I looked around to see so many wives and mothers sitting alone. Though I sat alone with them, I was one of the lucky ones. Many of them have sad stories of horrible childhoods, divorce and broken marriages. The father void in their life can only be filled by THE Father himself. Instead, I have been blessed with an earthly father who has loved me and been there for me, supported me and encouraged me for my entire life. Even when decisions that I have made were not the decisions that you would have wished for me, you have never given me a hard time about them. You have allowed me to live my life and follow God my own way. And the fact that you are only a phone call away in the middle of it all means more than you know.

So today I thank you. Thank you for teaching me to ride a bike. Thanks for taking me to basketball practice as a little girl so that I could be a part of your life and see what you were all about. Thank you for sweating it out on the driveway in an attempt to teach me to play basketball even though I was always pretty terrible. Thanks for watching tennis matches that drug on for hours and for putting up with boyfriends that drove you crazy. Thanks for modeling for me how a husband is supposed to always love and stay together with his wife. Thanks for loving your grandchildren and teaching them many of the things that you taught me as a child.

Though being so far away from you and Mom is very difficult some days - especially on those days when you are dropping me off once again at the airport - you will forever remain close to my heart. Every time the gas tank gets down to the red, I think of you. Every time something in our house breaks, I think of you. Every time UK and Louisville play basketball, I think of you (and cheer all the louder for UK!!haha). Every time I hear another story of how a teenage girl has been impacted by her basketball coach at Dawson, I am proud of you.

Mom, I think we are both pretty lucky. Happy Father's Day, Dad!!!!

Daddy Dates

One of the things that our girls love the best is getting to go on a date with Daddy. They never know when to expect it. It's not like something that they get to request or plan . It just happens when they least expect it. Today it just happened.

Kevin was taking the day off. We had not made any family plans. And all of a sudden I hear him asking Emma if she wanted to go on a date. Her eyes lit up. "Yes, Daddy!" They quickly planned for lunch. And as Emma ran to her room to get dressed, Claire was the next to be invited. It was a bit more difficult with her. Though she was thrilled to get to go on her special date, she was not the least bit happy that she would be second instead of first.

After that was resolved and all was well, hair was getting brushed and braided and pretty clothes were being chosen, Olivia caught wind of the plan. Needless to say, when dates came to an end Kevin had eaten 3 lunches, been to the toy store twice and trekked through the local mall.

What a wonderful blessing it is to have a husband who not only wants to date his wife (as we do every Tuesday night) but also makes it a priority to date his daughters. I pray that those dates will be memories that will forever be special in our girls' hearts. I love it that they have the opportunity to see their parents making it a priority to spend alone time together. I hope they will also know how much Daddy values being with them.

Happy Father's Day, Kevin!

Drama

Have you ever known someone who seems to thrive on there being drama in their life? Life is never boring when that person is around and when life is simply going along normally they can't seem to function - so they create more drama.

I have never been the drama queen. I have always considered myself quite the opposite. When the drama of life happens I tend to downplay it as much as possible. I get completely annoyed with those who always seem as if their world is about to crumble around them all of the time. As you might guess, I score very low on the mercy end of spiritual gifts inventories that I have taken. :-) It takes a lot to shake me.

But lately I have noticed this - all of a sudden, as true drama has entered my life once again, I realize that I have missed it. I want to embrace the struggles and the unanswered questions because what I have learned is that in my life this means that God is at work. It means that he is up to something and he is preparing the way to show his power once again.

You know, God has done this to Kevin and I many times. He presents a "crisis of belief" in front of us. He shakes the waters a little and then "voila!" He does his thing in a huge way once more.

Between church and family there are quite a few little dramas happening in our lives today. And instead of becoming too "dramatic" I really just want to savor them. I love it when God is up to something that is bigger than I can fathom. I love the way he works things out. I love to look back and be able to praise him even in the drama. When it is created by God, drama is excellent.

People Keep Telling Me. . .

AAAHHHH! People keep telling me to write a book! An email that I received today was the fifth time that has been told to me in the last week. I just don't know. . . I do want to do it. I just can't imagine who would ever want to read it. I can't imagine where I would find the time to do it. Yet, I think I want to try. I'm feeling more and more led to share my church planting story. Is this your way of letting me know how to satisfy that discontent that I have been feeling, God? How will I ever find enough quiet time to even begin? If I tell you that I will do it, Lord, will you show me how?

Colorado Girls

Friday we spent the day hiking at Mt. Evans.

Fun family times.

What's God Up To?

Discontent. . .I feel it quite often these days. To say that it is troubling would be a stretch. The feeling is more like this inner anticipation that kinda churns around in the pit of my stomach. I can't pinpoint it or name it or wrap my mind around it. None the less, it's there.

What is it that you are trying to lead me to, God? It's one of those things that I wish you would just fill me in on. Instead, I have a feeling that I will continue to wrestle with this one for a while. So, if we are going to wrestle, then just bring it on!

There are many things in my life that I am completely confident are in order. Our family has decided to take the road of homeschooling. That is a definite green light from God - no doubt about it. It is already paying off in so many ways. So on the mom as well as the wife end of things, I feel really good about where I am and where I am going.

Then there is this other piece of the puzzle called "Amy." It's not Amy the mom or Amy the wife or Amy the teacher, but just Amy. . .Amy who won't forever be a teacher - Amy who won't forever be the mom of preschoolers. . . Amy who has a lot of experience and a lot to share, but who often guards herself in a lot of areas.

You see, a great friend and fellow church planting wife once told me as we were about to begin this journey of starting Cool River to set myself up for the long haul of church planting from the very start. My biggest fear in starting Cool River with Kevin has always been "burn out." I've heard too many tragic CP wives stories and have always been determined not to become the next. I have always been intent of guarding myself and my family. I have always believed that my number one responsibility is to take care of Kevin and the girls and provide a peaceful and happy (most of the time) home. I have never allowed myself to be spread too thin or take on too many responsibilities within the church. I have allowed myself to say "no " to things even when they REALLY needed to be done. And I have never regretted it. Because of these things, I am a healthy pastor's wife today.

But here's the deal. . .4 years into this adventure I am "healthy." Four years into it, Cool River is now at a different stage. Four years into it I still have something to give. Though we are in many ways still in the start up phase, in many ways we have come into a new level. We are no longer at a place where things are being required of me or asked of me like before. God has brought great leaders and volunteers around. And in the middle of it all, I find myself at a new stage as well. No longer do I have children in diapers and strollers. Once I get them to sleep they generally sleep all night. And, though my girls still need much of my attention, the baby stage has passed and with that I have found a new freedom that I have not had since Cool River started.

And as I am realizing this I am also being confronted in my time with the Lord about who I am and where I am headed. What do I want my life to look like for the journey? How do I want it all to play out in the end? What is God asking me to do now that he has not required of me in the past? What exciting adventure lies ahead?

You see, I have never felt that my "end all" is about being a church planter's wife. That has been my "call" up until this point. Kevin has needed me as a support and a helper. It has and will continue to be my role and my joy. But the deal is, I get this sneaky suspicion that there is more to what God wants out of my life of service to Him.

I remember the time in college when the Lord told me that I was supposed to go to seminary. So I did it. God drew my heart towards serving him quite some time before he brought Kevin and I together. So, God prompted me to choose this lifestyle long before I said "okay" to this church planting wife thing. As I consider it, I think there has been something "more" all along. It's only now that I have had the time to actually sit down and think about what that "more" could possibly be.

So, I'm thinking God. I have some ideas, but none of them have fully presented themselves yet. I do believe that whatever "it" is goes beyond "church" service. Instead I think it will be something that will launch out from Cool River. Maybe something with church planting wives? Maybe that book thing that I wrote about earlier? Maybe something in Vietnam? Maybe, maybe, maybe??? If you can't tell, I'm still very unclear on it all. And that part of me that prefers to stay guarded won't let me go much farther than the "maybe's" right now.

But whatever it is, I hope it continues to churn inside of me until you decide to present it to me in full, God. Please don't do it until my ears and heart are ready to hear. But please don't let me miss it.

Claire's Treehouse

After reading a previous post (3/24/06), my Dad called me one afternoon. He had an idea. Because I was coming home with the girls in about a week, he (Pop) had decided to build Claire her "treehouse for middle girls." It turned out to be one of the greatest experiences and memories the girls may ever have of visiting Kentucky. Mine, too.

We arrived at Gran and Pop's house on a Sunday. Bright and early on Monday morning I awoke to Emma, Claire and Olivia, sporting their newly gifted carpenter's belts and work clothes. About a day and a half later they, with a little help from Pop, had successfully completed construction on a very cool treehouse. My thought after seeing the finished product? "Wow! I sure do wish I was your grandkid!"

Now, the next test would be whether or not they would actually play in it. Would the bugs scare them away? Would the heat bring them in the house? To my great surprise, no. They had breakfast in the treehouse. They swung and played for hours on the multiple swings and seesaws that Pop built - and kept adding and adding and adding. They cried when they had to go inside. And after coming home from town they raced to be out there for just a few more minutes before bedtime. Needless to say, it was one of Pop's best ideas ever.

Our trip home to Kentucky was a great one. Now that we are beyond all of the baby stuff and the girls are all able to play together with the family, it is a lot more fun than I realized it could be. Not only did we build a treehouse, but they also went fishing and caught some "big ones." We had a birthday party for Pop at Nancy and Wayne's house. The girls got to meet their great, great aunt, Marion Frances. We had a tea party at Katie's house with Katie, Nancy and Gran. We visited Abuela and Mama and Titi Carol and Clay. We went to the Louisville Zoo and bet on horses at Churchill Downs. (Emma's horse came in third place) Isn't that a great thing for a mom and grandmother to teach the kids to do?

All in all it was a terrific time. But I guarantee that the biggest Kentucky attraction that will cause Emma, Claire and Olivia to want to get back to visit the family again as soon as possilbe is that treehouse waiting for them in Gran and Pop's back yard. Thanks, Dad!

The Next Food Network Star

My girls have become addicted to the Food Network channel. These days they choose to watch Rachel Ray or Paula Deen over watching Arthur, Sesame Street or just about any other cartoon. It's actually a lot of fun to see them glued to the TV learning and enjoying shows like Unwrapped where they visit factories where food and candy is made or Rachel Rays Tasty Travels where they get to "visit" different cities all over the United States. As a matter of fact, I was just informed the other day that we need to take our next vacation to New York City and eat at "The Eatery" because it is a cheap place to eat and they serve really good french toast. No more McDonald's for these girls, I suppose.

Yesterday I was preparing dinner for some friends. Emma and Claire were helping to make melon ball skewers. As I cut the cantaloupe in half I reached for a spoon to dig the seeds out, only to be informed by Chef Emma that an ice cream scoop would work much better.
Hmmmmm, I guess I never thought of that.

Words that make the journey worth it. . .

While in Kentucky visiting family last week I was putting Emma to bed. Sunday was the day that we were flying home. I was trying to convince her on Saturday night that we did not need to go to church the next morning for fear of being too rushed getting to the airport. Here's how the conversation went. . .

Mom: "Emma, I think we are going to plan on not going to church tomorrow morning."

(Surprised) Emma (6 1/2 years): "But I really want to go to Sunday School and learn more about Jesus!"

Mom: "I understand, sweetie, but it's really not a good idea for tomorrow."

Emma: "But I just have to go because learning about Jesus is the most special thing to me!"

Now what was I supposed to say to that??!! So. . .I smiled, said a quiet thank you to God, and replied, "okay," as tears rolled down my cheek.

Would you believe it? We weren't even the least bit late to the airport.

That is what parenting is all about.

More Changes. . .

I am learning more and more that no matter how hard I try to bring our family's life into a routine, as seasons change and life moves on, it is just going to get harder and harder. For example, today was a day of ups and downs for Emma. This morning she tried out for "PEAKS gymnastics." It is the pre team level of the gym where we have been doing gymnastics. That was a big step forward for her and for our family. If she makes it, she we will be going to gymnastics two times per week instead of just once - as we have done for the past 31/2 years. That is definitely going to change our routine a little bit.

Then, only hours later, Emma had to go to her last piano lesson with Ms. Dorane. Dorane Subjack found her way into our lives last fall and she and Emma immediately hit it off. Come to find out, Emma is a very good piano student. Yet I must say that it is hugely due to her teacher. I will never forget the way Emma and Ms. Dorane giggled their way through a lesson. And in the end, just when you could not imagine that Emma could have possibly learned anything, she was able to play exactly what was asked of her - and play it very well. Great teachers of our children are a tremendous blessing. I'm very sad that we will not be able to continue with Dorane. Lord, please send us another great teacher that can fill her shoes.

SO, routines come and go. Schedules change and change again. Lord, please always keep us grounded no matter what change comes our way. And please always guide us to the next plan of action.

Adventures in Homeschooling

Today is a big day. Only last week Emma officially finished first grade. It has truly been so much fun. She is a great student and has made my first attempt at homeschooling a joy - most days. Yes, we have had plenty days of fighting it out in order to get the work done. But as soon as I am able to convince her that she does not have any other options than to sit until everything is finished, she does well.

I'm still not as creative as I would like to be as a teacher, but I continue to work on it. I look forward to the day that I have 3 kids around the table all doing their work at the same time, instead of one trying to work, another needing a snack and another standing on top of the kitchen table begging for a piece of gum. Then again, that will mean that my babies are growing up and getting older. So I suppose that day will be both bitter and sweet.

But for today, Emma has started in on second grade. We are going to take it extremely slow through the summer and take lots of breaks. Yet, I plan to continue - more than anything because I need something to occupy her time. To stop for a couple of months would really throw off the dynamics in our household just as we are getting into the routine of things.

So. . .wish me luck. I will also begin teaching Claire to read very soon.

BLUE Nails!

Today I was cleaning the bathroom while Olivia was watching

Arthur. . . at least I thought she was watching Arthur. . .

Believe it or not, the carpet was spared and only part of her hair is blue.

"Look, Mommy, I'm so so pretty!!!!"

Reflections on my retreat. . .

Last weekend I spent 24 hours with approximately 45 church planter's wives while in Texas. Many of them were just getting started. Their churches had either not launched yet or were only a year or so old. Others were ahead of me (4 years) in the game. They were approaching the 8 and 10 year marks. I wonder. . . at what time are you no longer considered a church planting wife and instead are graduated to the ranks of the established church pastor's wife? Between you and me, I'm in no hurry. I have loved the role of the church planting wife.

But, as I sat with old friends and new and looked around the room I have to admit that I felt a surprising uneasiness inside. My story is not like many of these women. Yes, we have much in common. We have husbands who are driven and passionate. We have families to juggle through the chaos. We do church by setting up every morning in a school, hotel or movie theatre, only to tear it all down and start again the next week. We are faced with expectations that are often greater than we can assume. We serve in areas that we are not necessarily passionate about because there is a need to do so. Our husbands are up until wee hours of the morning on Saturday nights perfecting messages. People are in and out of our home on a regular basis. Life is a continual story of hanging onto faith that God will provide and see us through. But for many of the ladies that I talked with, their story detoured from mine at the point of contentment.

There seems to be a huge line drawn in the sand between those women who are happy to be where they are and those who are struggling through it day after day. My heart breaks for those ladies who feel overwhelmed. They feel the pressure of being all things to all people. They struggle with saying "no" and find themselves overworked and under-appreciated. They support their husbands in every way and yet their husbands fail to watch out for their wives sanity and well-being. The smiles on their faces on Sunday mornings or Tuesday night small groups are not real, but forced - expected.

You see, I praise God that my story is not like those saintly ladies. I am grateful for a husband whom one time took some good advice and expects every person in the church to have one job before anyone has two - especially Amy. And what is my job? I care for him and for our family. Maybe I'm not the greatest caregiver of all time, but that is what I do. Sure, I'm there early on Sunday mornings with the coffee and donuts. Sure, I attend and even lead small groups. Sure, I have mentoring relationships that I pour my life into. Sure, I put out "fires" so that Kevin does not have to be bothered by little details. And I work in the nursery once every month. But all of those extra things I do because it is my choice. Kevin does not expect any of those things of me.

You see, that has been the joy of church planting. I have been able to define my role as a pastor's wife. And my role looks absolutley nothing like many pastor's wives. As I was at the retreat I found myself almost feeling guilty at times. But then, God, you remind me that all is well. That guilt does not come from God - but man and Satan. Thank you, God, that 4 years into this journey I am healthy. I am not burned out. I have more to give. I have joy in what I do. I am content with the continued role of church planting wife. And I look forward to what is around the corner. Lord, please take care of those little ladies that I met who are struggling. Help them to find boundaries. May their husbands offer them reprieve from some of their duties. May you bring along children's workers and volunteers and pastors to fill the roles that they so dutifully hold. Please hold them close and prepare them for the "wild ride" ahead. May it bring them joy.

Coming Home

This weekend was a journey "home." It was not the home of my childhood where family and friends of my past still live. And it was not the home where I live now and serve God with my husband and children. It was the home where my heart was born. It was the home of where I discovered myself and my God in a very life transforming way. It was the home of the most defining moments in my life. It is the home of my "heart friends" and "heart moms and dads." It is my mountaintop - where my heart is reminded of and stirred in the deepest way toward God. Being there gives me focus and warm fuzzies and peace and energy to go back to my true home and be better, live life, take risks and serve God - Northwood Church, Texas. God comforts my heart there. O how I needed your comfort, Father! Thank you!

Sherry and James, Hank and Deb, Bob and Nikki, Ashley and Ben, Mark and Missy, Amy and Matt, Amy and Jeff, Alethea and Jon, Christina, Bill and Kay, David, Randy, and. . . Thank you God for the comfort of familiar faces - for hugs and laughs and care that comes from those who knew me and loved me before I was a pastor's wife or a mom - people who knew me just as adult Amy. They loved me then and they love me today and they bring me joy and a sense of belonging that is genuine and heart felt and good. May your hands be upon them, Lord. May you protect and direct their days.

God, how I wish I would have understood the implications upon my life of those three years that I spent in Texas and at Northwood when I was living them. I would have drank in every moment and savored every opportunity. But Lord, your gracious hand was upon me when I didn't even know it. You were planting pieces of my heart in Texas soil that will forever remain. You provided me with a photo album of snapshot memories in my mind of people and experiences that I will forever hold dear. You prepared me there. You nurtured and matured and blessed me there. You touched my heart there. You sent me away from there to serve you. Thank you for the journey. Thank you for the opportunity to revisit those pieces of my heart.

Three Little Princesses

Easter 2006
Emma 6 Claire 4 Olivia 2

The Revolution!

Revolutionaries are faithful to the extreme in whatever circumstance God has placed them. It's risky. It's dangerous. It's extremely difficult to live a revolutionary life. But anything else is simply second best. I know that I do not want to come to the end of my life and say - "It was okay. I settled. Life was good. I played it safe. Now I'll go be with Jesus." No way! Iwant to say - "It was unbelieveable! It was painfully wonderful! Life was a great adventure! I chose not to just settle for a life of 'churchianity.' I lived the life Jesus wanted me to live. I can't wait to actually see this guy that I have gotten to know so well and trust so much!"

But what gifts and circumstances has God given me? (And what am I supposed to do with them?)

An amazing husband whom I love, trust and respect. . . I am blessed beyond measure to have a husband whom I can say in any situation, "Go ahead; I am with you heart and soul. 1 Samuel 14:7" He seeks God and knows God and follows God. I can trust anything that he says God is calling our family to do. That is a great blessing.

Three beautiful, healthy, strong-willed and happy daughters. . .Being a mom is the greatest pleasure of my life. Some day I admit that I forget that. I want to lock them in their rooms and hide under my covers. But what a joy it is to watch them grow and learn about God and life.

The opportunity to homeschool and be a stay home mom. . .that was never the plan for my life but I am so glad that when God called me to that I said "yes."

A love for Vietnam. . .though I have been there only once I have never lost the desire to be back with those people. The attraction is a mystery. But God has placed something in my heart that always turns it back to that place. I'll go there this summer and try to discover the reason for that passion.

A positive church planting wife story. . .many women in my shoes would have bailed a long time ago. Being a church planter's wife is hard work. There is lots of risk and uncertainty and faith involved. There is a lot of "single" parenting to be done in the early days. There is little stability and high stress. And yet, God has allowed me to just be able to "go with the flow" of whatever has come our way. My heart breaks for the wives who struggle and for the families that are often injured in the journey of church planting.

A master's degree from seminary in Christian education. . .that's an odd one - I'm not sure what good that one is ever going to do me. It was a season of life. It was a lofty accomplishment to some. It is something I am proud to have accomplished and yet it has never been about the degree. It was about the experience and discipline and learning moments during that time in life.

So. . .I'm not in the workplace. God has not given me those lives to influence. I have many responsibilities that keep me closer to home and only loosly connected with people on a regular basis. But the thing that keeps screaming at me as I think about the "revolution" is my children and my family. That is the number one thing that God has placed in front of me. He has entrusted me with three lives to guide and influence and impact. He has entrusted me with a home to manage and keep peaceful. And then he has given me a few other avenues to explore (Vietnam and CP wives) once the main ones get in order.

I guess that means that for today - for this time in life - I have my answer. I need to be a revolutionary in my home (with my kids most of all) and in my day to day circumstances. I need to be faithful with what God has given me and accept the peace that comes from knowing that I am doing exactly what God wants of me at this time in life. And then, I need to continue to explore the other abilities and passions that are also in my heart and watch and wait for God opportunities to dabble in and seek to do revolutionary things in those.

God, please help me to be faithful. Satan often tells me the lies that what I am doing is insignificant. It's hard not to buy into those lies when I see others around me doing seemingly great things for you, Lord. I have a hard time not envying someone elses position or opportunities. But I long to be faithful. I long to be and do exactly what you desire. Please keep working on my heart. Transform me more.

Confusion

Do you ever feel a confusion in your mind that won't let you fully rest at night? God is prompting and working on something but you just can't put your finger on exactly what it is, and so all you feel like you can do is sit - remain. And to remain is the last thing that you want to do. . .that is where I am today.

It's a painful and thrilling and overwhelmingly hopeless feeling all at the same time. It's as if God wants me for something more, but because of the state of disarray within me I can't move. I think that whatever IT is is big, and yet I can't even begin to explore it because of the many things that plague me concerning my own personal character and relationship with my God. It's not that I feel unworthy of whatever God's "call" might be. It's more like I feel unable.

My junk seems insurmountable at times. And though I know that the last thing God is asking of me is to be perfect, I do know that he wants me to be selfless. And I am so selfish! I would give anything for God just to do the little Bewitched thing and wiggle his nose and cure me of all of my selfishness and biggest struggles. But I suppose that if he did that I would then have no more need for him. My struggles humble me and break me and send me to His feet. But my stubbornness causes that process to take such a long time.


I don't understand so many things. I love good chocolate cake. I know what that tastes like and how good it makes me feel. And whenever I have the opportunity I am more than willing to endulge myself in it. How much better is being in right relationship with the Father. I have been there many times before. I have tasted it and I know the satisfaction that it brings. And yet, when I have the opportunity to endulge in it I often don't. Something as horrible as cleaning the bathroom might even win out above being with him. Life moves on and though I might recall how much better life is when fully connected to Him I keep moving the other direction, doing my own thing. I even call doing my own thing "good and Godly." But it really is not. It's hypocritical and worthless because it's me who is doing all the work. It makes me so mad!

So I sit. I sit because I don't know which way to move. I sit because I'm afraid of myself. I sit because I don't want to be a hypocrite and move in a direction that I choose for myself and try to "do good" once again. I long to be more involved in the work of God around me - in my family, in Cool River, in Vietnam. But I sit. My confidence in God is there but my confidence in myself is low. Transformation and Revolutionary. I long for those to be descriptors of me. I really do. But all I can seem to do right now is sit. Please, God, sit with me.

"Middle Girl"

Just the other day Claire decided that she wants to build a treehouse. (now understand, we do not have a single tree in our entire yard) And this treehouse is to be very special because it is just for "middle girls." She, of course, is my unique middle girl. The good thing is that she finds joy in being in the middle. She often says that, "Emma is big, Olivia is little and I am medium." And it is always followed by a big smile from ear to ear.

I hope and pray that she will always feel unique and special in the "birth order" that God has placed her. At times I feel such pain as she struggles to find her own special friends on the playground or at church. Emma often (unintentionally) takes them away as most kids are drawn to the older child. But of all my girls I see such a huge, loving heart in Claire. She loves easily and she gets hurt easily.

Lord, I need you to help me to know how to guide her and encourage her and give her opportunities that are just her own as life happens. Claire is the one I worry about the most and yet the one that I see God's heart reflected in the most.

There is a great chance that she will never truly get to build her treehouse for middle girls. But I pray that she will always find her place. Lord, please fill her with confidence and always keep her heart as soft as it is today at 4 years old.