Confusion

Do you ever feel a confusion in your mind that won't let you fully rest at night? God is prompting and working on something but you just can't put your finger on exactly what it is, and so all you feel like you can do is sit - remain. And to remain is the last thing that you want to do. . .that is where I am today.

It's a painful and thrilling and overwhelmingly hopeless feeling all at the same time. It's as if God wants me for something more, but because of the state of disarray within me I can't move. I think that whatever IT is is big, and yet I can't even begin to explore it because of the many things that plague me concerning my own personal character and relationship with my God. It's not that I feel unworthy of whatever God's "call" might be. It's more like I feel unable.

My junk seems insurmountable at times. And though I know that the last thing God is asking of me is to be perfect, I do know that he wants me to be selfless. And I am so selfish! I would give anything for God just to do the little Bewitched thing and wiggle his nose and cure me of all of my selfishness and biggest struggles. But I suppose that if he did that I would then have no more need for him. My struggles humble me and break me and send me to His feet. But my stubbornness causes that process to take such a long time.


I don't understand so many things. I love good chocolate cake. I know what that tastes like and how good it makes me feel. And whenever I have the opportunity I am more than willing to endulge myself in it. How much better is being in right relationship with the Father. I have been there many times before. I have tasted it and I know the satisfaction that it brings. And yet, when I have the opportunity to endulge in it I often don't. Something as horrible as cleaning the bathroom might even win out above being with him. Life moves on and though I might recall how much better life is when fully connected to Him I keep moving the other direction, doing my own thing. I even call doing my own thing "good and Godly." But it really is not. It's hypocritical and worthless because it's me who is doing all the work. It makes me so mad!

So I sit. I sit because I don't know which way to move. I sit because I'm afraid of myself. I sit because I don't want to be a hypocrite and move in a direction that I choose for myself and try to "do good" once again. I long to be more involved in the work of God around me - in my family, in Cool River, in Vietnam. But I sit. My confidence in God is there but my confidence in myself is low. Transformation and Revolutionary. I long for those to be descriptors of me. I really do. But all I can seem to do right now is sit. Please, God, sit with me.