What's God Up To?

Discontent. . .I feel it quite often these days. To say that it is troubling would be a stretch. The feeling is more like this inner anticipation that kinda churns around in the pit of my stomach. I can't pinpoint it or name it or wrap my mind around it. None the less, it's there.

What is it that you are trying to lead me to, God? It's one of those things that I wish you would just fill me in on. Instead, I have a feeling that I will continue to wrestle with this one for a while. So, if we are going to wrestle, then just bring it on!

There are many things in my life that I am completely confident are in order. Our family has decided to take the road of homeschooling. That is a definite green light from God - no doubt about it. It is already paying off in so many ways. So on the mom as well as the wife end of things, I feel really good about where I am and where I am going.

Then there is this other piece of the puzzle called "Amy." It's not Amy the mom or Amy the wife or Amy the teacher, but just Amy. . .Amy who won't forever be a teacher - Amy who won't forever be the mom of preschoolers. . . Amy who has a lot of experience and a lot to share, but who often guards herself in a lot of areas.

You see, a great friend and fellow church planting wife once told me as we were about to begin this journey of starting Cool River to set myself up for the long haul of church planting from the very start. My biggest fear in starting Cool River with Kevin has always been "burn out." I've heard too many tragic CP wives stories and have always been determined not to become the next. I have always been intent of guarding myself and my family. I have always believed that my number one responsibility is to take care of Kevin and the girls and provide a peaceful and happy (most of the time) home. I have never allowed myself to be spread too thin or take on too many responsibilities within the church. I have allowed myself to say "no " to things even when they REALLY needed to be done. And I have never regretted it. Because of these things, I am a healthy pastor's wife today.

But here's the deal. . .4 years into this adventure I am "healthy." Four years into it, Cool River is now at a different stage. Four years into it I still have something to give. Though we are in many ways still in the start up phase, in many ways we have come into a new level. We are no longer at a place where things are being required of me or asked of me like before. God has brought great leaders and volunteers around. And in the middle of it all, I find myself at a new stage as well. No longer do I have children in diapers and strollers. Once I get them to sleep they generally sleep all night. And, though my girls still need much of my attention, the baby stage has passed and with that I have found a new freedom that I have not had since Cool River started.

And as I am realizing this I am also being confronted in my time with the Lord about who I am and where I am headed. What do I want my life to look like for the journey? How do I want it all to play out in the end? What is God asking me to do now that he has not required of me in the past? What exciting adventure lies ahead?

You see, I have never felt that my "end all" is about being a church planter's wife. That has been my "call" up until this point. Kevin has needed me as a support and a helper. It has and will continue to be my role and my joy. But the deal is, I get this sneaky suspicion that there is more to what God wants out of my life of service to Him.

I remember the time in college when the Lord told me that I was supposed to go to seminary. So I did it. God drew my heart towards serving him quite some time before he brought Kevin and I together. So, God prompted me to choose this lifestyle long before I said "okay" to this church planting wife thing. As I consider it, I think there has been something "more" all along. It's only now that I have had the time to actually sit down and think about what that "more" could possibly be.

So, I'm thinking God. I have some ideas, but none of them have fully presented themselves yet. I do believe that whatever "it" is goes beyond "church" service. Instead I think it will be something that will launch out from Cool River. Maybe something with church planting wives? Maybe that book thing that I wrote about earlier? Maybe something in Vietnam? Maybe, maybe, maybe??? If you can't tell, I'm still very unclear on it all. And that part of me that prefers to stay guarded won't let me go much farther than the "maybe's" right now.

But whatever it is, I hope it continues to churn inside of me until you decide to present it to me in full, God. Please don't do it until my ears and heart are ready to hear. But please don't let me miss it.