Chaos

Chaos makes me so mad! It sucks the life right out of me some days. I am the introvert. I get drained very quickly when too many people are surrounding me. I thrive when I am alone. Yet, I love people. I love relationships and the challenges that come with them. That's how I grow the most - dealing with and doing life with people. But when it all turns into chaos I don't find it quite so enjoyable.

This is an interesting season in my life. I am quickly becoming a master multi-tasker. There is something about that that fuels me - the thrill of accomplishment at the end of the week. On Sunday afternoon when I get home from church and curl up in my bed I have no guilt. I know that the nap that is about to follow is much deserved. I know that the relaxation is much needed. And it is good rest.

The rest of the evening on Sunday's I am basically useless. Then comes the light of a new day. And as I wake up on Monday the chaos begins once again. Everyone wants breakfast. Olivia needs her morning fix of gum. Dishes are dirty from the day before. Loads and loads of laundry hide my bedroom floor. It's time for gymnastics. We need to eat lunch. Emma needs to practice piano and complete another day of school. Don't forget to help her memorize her multiplication tables! Kevin comes home. We all need dinner. Is it that time already? I still have emails to respond to from church and copies to make for next Sunday. The dog is sick. The humidifier in the hallway is growing some sort of nastiness that needs to be cleaned. The phone rings. All I want is 45 minutes to exercise and 20 minutes to read my Bible or a good book. Chaos!

So these days I'm learning to manage the chaos. I'm learning to say "no" more and I'm learning to pray more. And when I get a chance, I'm learning to escape. Maybe I need to write like today. Maybe I need a cup of Starbucks sugar-free vanilla, extra hot, no foam, 2% latte and a quiet drive in the car. Maybe I need Kevin's laptop and Grey's Anatomy on abc.go.com. Maybe I need to read a book or just quietly sit and listen to what God might have to say. Whatever it might be, I need to continue to learn to manage myself in such a way that life can't win at sucking out all of my juice. Because, you see, I have a family that needs me. They need me to be fresh for them. Kevin needs me to be sweet to him instead of a bear. I need to remember to laugh with them and enjoy them instead of just manage them. What a hard line it is to walk some days.

But I'm learning.

Chaos will probably forever make me crazy. I will probably always be working to tame that part of life. But today I am good. I'm just taking it slow and steady. But I'm sure that many unexpected are just around the corner.

Even Bigger than "Biggie" Sized

Tonight I feel like writing, although I must admit that as I type I really have no clear direction of where I am headed with this. Life is moving along. There is the basic chaos that everyone lives in. I would never consider myself living a life that is more crazy from the next person. We all live crazy, unpredictable lives, don't we? But we manage. Some days we manage well. Others we fall apart. If we are lucky, the well managed days outweigh the fall apart days. We have carried on with what we see as important and worth while. And we breathe. . . and hopefully we laugh and love. And with any luck we look back in the quiet of an evening just like this one and feel as if we have accomplished something good.

"With any luck". . .that phrase I just wrote bothers me all of a sudden. It's not luck. There is no such thing. It's about grace. It's the grace that only can come from a Heavenly Father who is much more powerfully in control than I, who dictates our days. It is his Holy Spirit that guides and prompts and pulls at our heart strings until we finally get up off our backsides and choose to take the right steps. . .choose to live a life purposefully worth while. If at any time luck comes in, it is in being "lucky" enough to be able to turn off the world around us long enough to experience the guidance that is so freely offered every second of every day. Maybe some day I will master that one.

I have a feeling that this year is going to be another one of those pivotal points in my life. And this is why. . .it's because God has me asking this question over and over again, "What does it mean to dream big with God?" What does it mean to dream Ephesians 3:20? "God wants to do exceedingly and abundantly more than we could ever ask or imagine." I am the queen of limitations. I look at the checkbook or the bank account and freak out because I can't see with my own eyes or understand with my own brain how bills will possibly get paid. I think about going oversees again this summer and I laugh to myself as I can't imagine how I could ever be able to afford it. I think about speaking in front of a group and get filled with butterflies as I tell myself my gift is not teaching so I can't do it well. I limit myself and I limit God all of the time. And I settle for well managed days instead of vibrant ones.

Dream big. If we were all to truly dream as big as God might want us to dream and fully trust that God is big enough to fulfill those dreams, what might happen? There would be stories upon stories of God's provision. There would be life upon life changed. There would be an overflow of life transformation happening around us all of the time because so many unexplainable things would be happening every day. God would be the only answer to why. He would get all the credit because there is no way things so grand could happen without the hand of the Divine. Wouldn't that be cool?

And life would not be the ball of chaos that we see it as today. Life would be a life of purpose and vision. We would not be limited because we would be so connected to the Divine that the overflow of a transformed heart would ooze out on to everyone we met. Life would not be easy or painless. But life would be freeing instead of confining - purposeful instead of packed full. Maybe we would never feel stuck again. Maybe we would truly live a full and abundant life.

You see, I am becoming more and more convinced that we live mediocre lives because we believe that we serve a mediocre God. I fail on a daily basis to remember the power of the Almighty. I fail to remember that he wants to trickle that power down on me. I fail to remember that he is the King and that makes me a princess. I'm great at putting God in his nice little God box. I only expect him to show up in crisis and on special occasions.

Now don't get me wrong - I'm not saying that I want to pray that Prayer of Jabez and wait for my life and land to be increased. No, I fully expect God's big dream for Amy to bring me to my knees instead of raise me on the clouds. But I'd much rather be on my knees resting in the fullness of what God wants for me than to be crawling on my own going nowhere.

In 2007 and every year to come I just don't want to settle for simply being happy that the well managed and peaceful days outweigh the fall apart ones. I want to set my sights on God-sized dreams. Like at Wendy's, I really want to dream even bigger than "Biggie size" dreams for this year and see what God might do. I can't wait to write and tell you all of the ridiculous things that God does. I wait expectantly. I wonder what specifically I should dream? Please, God, let me know.

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"What was once known as a 'biggie' drink at Wendy's is now just a 'medium.' Soft drinks now come in small, medium and large sizes only. The 42-ounce large is equal to three-and-a-half cans of soda." Now that's what I call "exceedingly and abundantly more than I could ever ask or imagine!!"hahaha

Kicking My Butt

Yep, God seems to be doing that quite often these days. And you know, it's all my fault. :-) You see, about 4 months ago Kevin and I were sharing in a small group about the times that God has forced us to take huge leaps of faith in our lives and in our marriage. It was fun to share and even fun to think back on - remembering the hard times and being on the other side, seeing how God provided. That night on the way home I made the ridiculous mistake of saying to Kevin that I kinda wish one of those faith step moments would happen again. Lesson #1 - Don't ever say that!!!!! It's like asking for patience. Everyone says don't do it or you will have to go through a tough time of God giving something horrible to you to be patient about. Well, don't ever say you want to work on your character some more by being faced with a faith step either.

My character is exhausted!! For the last 3 months God has allowed stress after stress to pile up on me on the money end of life like he has not done in a very long time. That is not what I meant when I asked for faith steps to be presented. In my mind I think I was dreaming of something fun and crazy that he might ask us to do, and my character growth would be in the faithful following of that. But no - instead God decides once again to hit me with the issue of money. "When will I be enough, Amy?" "When will you truly trust me to provide?" "How are you going to handle this hit and this little twist of the knife?" "How is your integrity?" "How emotionally tied to this money stuff are you?" "Do you remember that I own it all?" "Do you remember that I can give and take away at a moment's notice?"

So last Sunday I was sitting in church with all of my girls worshipping to a song that is really dear to my heart. "Blessed Be the Name" was the first song that we ever sang at Cool River. Josh was playing and we were meeting at the AMC. Every single time I hear that song I have such fond memories. And as I was singing and thinking about that again, God opened my ears to the words in a different way. . .

Blessed be the Name in the Land that is Plentiful
Where the Streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name
Blessed be you name
One the road marked with suffering
When there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name
Every blessing you pour out I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be the name. . . . .
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be your name. . . .

And it struck me - it's about saying "blessed be your name" to God, no matter what. That was the lesson he wanted me to get!

Blessed be his name no matter what. Blessed be his name when the credits and debits don't match up. Blessed be his name when there is money in the saving account and when there is not. Blessed be his name when the dog gets sick, when the taxes are great, when the hospital bills come, when someone else unknowlingly makes a mistake that causes me grief or when a car accident happens that causes unexpected repairs. Blessed by his name when my children laugh as they are burying themselves in the snow. Blessed be his name when Kevin and I have a great date night. Blessed be his name when I sit in the mountains of Vietnam. Blessed be his name when the sun comes up another day. Blessed be his name when we get 45 inches of snow and I am stuck in the house for days. Blessed be his name!

That's it.

I get it.

Lord, blessed be your name.

Claire Flies Into the New Year