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Easter 2006
Emma 6 Claire 4 Olivia 2
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The Revolution!
Revolutionaries are faithful to the extreme in whatever circumstance God has placed them. It's risky. It's dangerous. It's extremely difficult to live a revolutionary life. But anything else is simply second best. I know that I do not want to come to the end of my life and say - "It was okay. I settled. Life was good. I played it safe. Now I'll go be with Jesus." No way! Iwant to say - "It was unbelieveable! It was painfully wonderful! Life was a great adventure! I chose not to just settle for a life of 'churchianity.' I lived the life Jesus wanted me to live. I can't wait to actually see this guy that I have gotten to know so well and trust so much!"But what gifts and circumstances has God given me? (And what am I supposed to do with them?)
An amazing husband whom I love, trust and respect. . . I am blessed beyond measure to have a husband whom I can say in any situation, "Go ahead; I am with you heart and soul. 1 Samuel 14:7" He seeks God and knows God and follows God. I can trust anything that he says God is calling our family to do. That is a great blessing.
Three beautiful, healthy, strong-willed and happy daughters. . .Being a mom is the greatest pleasure of my life. Some day I admit that I forget that. I want to lock them in their rooms and hide under my covers. But what a joy it is to watch them grow and learn about God and life.
The opportunity to homeschool and be a stay home mom. . .that was never the plan for my life but I am so glad that when God called me to that I said "yes."
A love for Vietnam. . .though I have been there only once I have never lost the desire to be back with those people. The attraction is a mystery. But God has placed something in my heart that always turns it back to that place. I'll go there this summer and try to discover the reason for that passion.
A positive church planting wife story. . .many women in my shoes would have bailed a long time ago. Being a church planter's wife is hard work. There is lots of risk and uncertainty and faith involved. There is a lot of "single" parenting to be done in the early days. There is little stability and high stress. And yet, God has allowed me to just be able to "go with the flow" of whatever has come our way. My heart breaks for the wives who struggle and for the families that are often injured in the journey of church planting.
A master's degree from seminary in Christian education. . .that's an odd one - I'm not sure what good that one is ever going to do me. It was a season of life. It was a lofty accomplishment to some. It is something I am proud to have accomplished and yet it has never been about the degree. It was about the experience and discipline and learning moments during that time in life.
So. . .I'm not in the workplace. God has not given me those lives to influence. I have many responsibilities that keep me closer to home and only loosly connected with people on a regular basis. But the thing that keeps screaming at me as I think about the "revolution" is my children and my family. That is the number one thing that God has placed in front of me. He has entrusted me with three lives to guide and influence and impact. He has entrusted me with a home to manage and keep peaceful. And then he has given me a few other avenues to explore (Vietnam and CP wives) once the main ones get in order.
I guess that means that for today - for this time in life - I have my answer. I need to be a revolutionary in my home (with my kids most of all) and in my day to day circumstances. I need to be faithful with what God has given me and accept the peace that comes from knowing that I am doing exactly what God wants of me at this time in life. And then, I need to continue to explore the other abilities and passions that are also in my heart and watch and wait for God opportunities to dabble in and seek to do revolutionary things in those.
God, please help me to be faithful. Satan often tells me the lies that what I am doing is insignificant. It's hard not to buy into those lies when I see others around me doing seemingly great things for you, Lord. I have a hard time not envying someone elses position or opportunities. But I long to be faithful. I long to be and do exactly what you desire. Please keep working on my heart. Transform me more.
Confusion
Do you ever feel a confusion in your mind that won't let you fully rest at night? God is prompting and working on something but you just can't put your finger on exactly what it is, and so all you feel like you can do is sit - remain. And to remain is the last thing that you want to do. . .that is where I am today.
It's a painful and thrilling and overwhelmingly hopeless feeling all at the same time. It's as if God wants me for something more, but because of the state of disarray within me I can't move. I think that whatever IT is is big, and yet I can't even begin to explore it because of the many things that plague me concerning my own personal character and relationship with my God. It's not that I feel unworthy of whatever God's "call" might be. It's more like I feel unable.
My junk seems insurmountable at times. And though I know that the last thing God is asking of me is to be perfect, I do know that he wants me to be selfless. And I am so selfish! I would give anything for God just to do the little Bewitched thing and wiggle his nose and cure me of all of my selfishness and biggest struggles. But I suppose that if he did that I would then have no more need for him. My struggles humble me and break me and send me to His feet. But my stubbornness causes that process to take such a long time.
I don't understand so many things. I love good chocolate cake. I know what that tastes like and how good it makes me feel. And whenever I have the opportunity I am more than willing to endulge myself in it. How much better is being in right relationship with the Father. I have been there many times before. I have tasted it and I know the satisfaction that it brings. And yet, when I have the opportunity to endulge in it I often don't. Something as horrible as cleaning the bathroom might even win out above being with him. Life moves on and though I might recall how much better life is when fully connected to Him I keep moving the other direction, doing my own thing. I even call doing my own thing "good and Godly." But it really is not. It's hypocritical and worthless because it's me who is doing all the work. It makes me so mad!
So I sit. I sit because I don't know which way to move. I sit because I'm afraid of myself. I sit because I don't want to be a hypocrite and move in a direction that I choose for myself and try to "do good" once again. I long to be more involved in the work of God around me - in my family, in Cool River, in Vietnam. But I sit. My confidence in God is there but my confidence in myself is low. Transformation and Revolutionary. I long for those to be descriptors of me. I really do. But all I can seem to do right now is sit. Please, God, sit with me.
It's a painful and thrilling and overwhelmingly hopeless feeling all at the same time. It's as if God wants me for something more, but because of the state of disarray within me I can't move. I think that whatever IT is is big, and yet I can't even begin to explore it because of the many things that plague me concerning my own personal character and relationship with my God. It's not that I feel unworthy of whatever God's "call" might be. It's more like I feel unable.
My junk seems insurmountable at times. And though I know that the last thing God is asking of me is to be perfect, I do know that he wants me to be selfless. And I am so selfish! I would give anything for God just to do the little Bewitched thing and wiggle his nose and cure me of all of my selfishness and biggest struggles. But I suppose that if he did that I would then have no more need for him. My struggles humble me and break me and send me to His feet. But my stubbornness causes that process to take such a long time.
I don't understand so many things. I love good chocolate cake. I know what that tastes like and how good it makes me feel. And whenever I have the opportunity I am more than willing to endulge myself in it. How much better is being in right relationship with the Father. I have been there many times before. I have tasted it and I know the satisfaction that it brings. And yet, when I have the opportunity to endulge in it I often don't. Something as horrible as cleaning the bathroom might even win out above being with him. Life moves on and though I might recall how much better life is when fully connected to Him I keep moving the other direction, doing my own thing. I even call doing my own thing "good and Godly." But it really is not. It's hypocritical and worthless because it's me who is doing all the work. It makes me so mad!
So I sit. I sit because I don't know which way to move. I sit because I'm afraid of myself. I sit because I don't want to be a hypocrite and move in a direction that I choose for myself and try to "do good" once again. I long to be more involved in the work of God around me - in my family, in Cool River, in Vietnam. But I sit. My confidence in God is there but my confidence in myself is low. Transformation and Revolutionary. I long for those to be descriptors of me. I really do. But all I can seem to do right now is sit. Please, God, sit with me.
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